From harsh self-talk to helpful thoughts

In life, not all of our reactions are explained by what’s happening right now. Sometimes, what we feel today is “hooked” to something we experienced years ago and never fully processed. This hook often shows up as an inner sentence (a belief about ourselves) that pops up automatically in moments of stress.

Very often, this sentence has been with us for years, repeated so many times (by ourselves or others) that it feels like fact. In reality, it may be an old voice, inherited from caregivers, teachers, or others who were critical, and we’ve simply internalized it.

The comment at work
Laura gives a presentation and her manager says it “needs a revision,” without making eye contact. She feels a sting of shame and the instant thought: “I’m probably not good enough for this.” Hours later, she remembers that as a teenager, her brother often corrected her in front of others, making her feel incompetent. The manager’s comment wasn’t harsh, but it touched an old wound, a fissure where she already doubted her abilities.

The unanswered call
Andrew tries calling a close friend for help, but there’s no reply. Within minutes, he feels anxious and thinks: “No one will be there for me.” That thought traces back to a time when his mother was always too busy, and he learned not to expect support.

The silence at the dinner table
Monica is at a dinner party and shares something personal. The conversation changes topic right after. She feels a hollow sensation in her stomach and the thought: “What I say doesn’t matter.” Later, she realizes it feels the same as when she was a child, trying to talk to her father while he read the newspaper and didn’t respond.

1. What is a negative cognition?

It’s a short sentence that describes how you see yourself when something difficult happens.

It’s not a description of the event, "They yelled at me" is not a negative cognition.
It’s what you believe the event means about you, "I’m a failure," "I’m not worthy," "I’m not safe."

Sometimes, these thoughts appear in someone else’s voice in your head. You may think, “I can hear my mother saying this,” but now it’s your own belief in disguise.

2. How they form

These sentences often have roots in early experiences:

• A moment of humiliation at school leaves the idea “I’m not smart.”

• Growing up around unpredictable adults creates the feeling “I’m not safe.”

• Being ignored or dismissed leads to “What I think doesn’t matter.”

• Hearing repeated criticisms like “You’ll never amount to anything if you don’t pull it together” or “You’re not going to leave it like that” can become part of your self-talk years later.

The present-day event acts as a trigger, lighting up the same feeling as back then—especially if there’s already a fissure, a place where you doubt yourself.

3. Three main categories of negative cognitions

• Responsibility / Personal defect – “It’s my fault,” “I’m bad,” “I’m not enough.”

• Lack of safety – “I’m not safe,” “I can’t trust anyone.”

• Lack of control / power – “I can’t handle this,” “I have no choice.”

Knowing which category your thought belongs to makes it easier to find a positive alternative.

4. Step-by-step exercise to identify them

1. Recall a recent event that upset you more than expected.

2. Write it down under Recent events.

3. Ask: What does this say about me?

4. Write the exact sentence that comes up (negative cognition).

5. See if you can remember an older event that matches it (Memories).

6. Create a realistic, positive alternative thought.

7. Use metacognition—view the thought as a possibility, not a fact. Ask yourself: Is this thought helpful or hurtful?

Narrated example: Recently, someone felt dismissed when ignored during a team meeting. The thought was “I’m not capable enough.” Thinking further, they remembered being 12 when a teacher mocked their answer in class. That early experience planted the same belief. The helpful replacement thought became: “I can learn and improve”, and adding “yet” to the original thought (“I’m not capable enough yet”) made room for change.

5. Examples of negative and positive alternatives

I’m not good enough → I have what it takes to face what comes my way.
I don’t deserve to be loved → I am valuable and worthy of affection.
I’m a bad person → I can act with integrity and kindness.
I’m broken → I am whole, even as I keep growing.
I’m worthless → My value is not defined by mistakes.
I should feel ashamed → I can acknowledge myself with respect.
I’m useless → My actions and decisions have worth.
I’m not safe → I now have resources to protect myself.
I can’t trust anyone → I can choose with whom to build trust.
I can’t protect myself → I can protect myself and ask for help.
I’m weak → I have the strength to overcome challenges.
I have no control → I can influence my decisions.
I can’t handle it → I have skills to deal with it.
I can’t bear it → I can get through it step by step.
I’m powerless → I have power over my choices.
I have no options → There are always alternatives, even small ones.
I’m trapped → I can find ways out.
I can’t do anything → I can take action where it’s in my control.
I won’t make it → I can learn and make progress.
I can’t be myself → I can show up authentically.
I can’t speak up → My voice deserves to be heard.
My opinion doesn’t matter → My perspective is valid.
I can’t change → I’m capable of transformation.

6. Weekly micro-routine

• Days 1–2: Choose a recent event and write down your negative cognition.

• Days 3–4: Look for an older memory that fits.

• Days 5–6: Repeat with a second event.

• Day 7: Review all the negative cognitions and see if any repeat. Practice saying your positive alternatives out loud—just as you would to encourage a friend or your younger self.

7. Signs of progress

• The intense emotion lasts less time.

• You can think about the event without feeling overwhelmed.

• You notice the thought sooner.

• You respond differently, even if the feeling is still there.